The term ‘BDSM’ gets thrown around a lot. After the success of the Fifty Shades of Grey series, there was a leap in interest for all things rope and leather. Which is fucking awesome! But before we start breaking out the whips and latex, let’s take a step back and look at the basics.
What is BDSM?
BDSM stands for four different categories of play: (1) Bondage and Discipline, (2) Domination and Submission (also known as D/s), (3) Sadism, and (4) Masochism.
BDSM is used as a catch-all term for all things kink, from pet-play to femdom. In a typical BDSM scenario you have two main roles, a Dominant and a submissive (intentionally un-capitalized). The Dominant usually acts as a top – the one doing the doing. The submissive, conversely, usually bottoms or receives the actions of the Dominant. Outside of this setup, there is still wide room for flexibility, creativity, and fluidity in the roles people choose.
The last two categories – sadism and masochism – inspire undue anxiety in people looking in from the outside. Some simply cannot fathom that others could be turned on by receiving or causing pain. But the eroticism of sadomasochistic play is founded – as is all BDSM activity – on three core tenants: Safety, Sanity, and Consensual activity.
Safe, Sane, and Consensual (S.S.C.)
Safety First!
All parties involved are engaging in play in a safe manner. While this should be a priority regardless, it is especially important during power-exchange scenes. During these scenes, a person might be restrained with anything from rope to a latex beds, or otherwise impeded from looking after their own safety. In these situations, it is imperative that the top or Dom(me) employ common sense to keep their partner or partners safe.
Simple ways to stay safe during a scene can be:
- Not leaving a restrained participant alone.
- Not tying rope or restraints so tight that blood circulation is cut off.
- Ensuring that all participants are respecting agreed upon limits.
- Communicating honestly during the scene.
- Using a safe word or signal.
Sane Means Able to Consent
The primary focus of the “sane” section of the S.S.C. tenants is that those engaging in BDSM scenes should be in a clear mental state and fully capable of giving or withdrawing consent.
The use of the word “sane” has caused a bit of concern in recent years over the alienation of mentally ill people. Submissives who experience what is called “subspace” – a natural high or feeling of euphoria associated with the rush of submission or erotic punishment. Dominants sometimes experience a similar power rush during a scene, and have also expressed discontentment on the matter.
The important take away then, is that the ability to give consent – and to revoke it where necessary – must be prioritized. When the mental state of participants may be (or become) an issue, communicating beforehand on establishing limits that take mental issues into account can help evade potential issues during the scene.
Consent Means Yes, Please, More!
Consent must be received for all actions taken in a scene. For ALL actions taken in a scene. ALL actions.
Consent can be given through agreed upon hard and soft limits – non-negotiable and negotiable, respectively – with the understanding that consent can be withdrawn during the scene. Consent can be given during the scene with each new action taken.
But consent needs to be given/received. Despite the certainly non-vanilla images associated with BDSM, consent is the bread and butter of BDSM. Without enthusiastic consent on the part of all participants, one risks moving immediately from pleasurable play to abuse.
BDSM is about being honest about your sexual needs. More than that, it’s about fulfilling those needs and treating them as more than ‘guilty’ pleasures. Knowing your limits and communicating them with your partner(s) allows for a safe and satisfying experience. So when people ask you “Does BDSM hurt?” while you’re coincidentally being flogged and stroked to orgasm, you can smile and confidently answer “Only when I want it to!”
